I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
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[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady