I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
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Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.