I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
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Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
listen closely
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o