Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
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*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
If I ignore life will it go away?
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok