Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
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Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Husband of the year 😂
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.