5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
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My kid鈥檚 kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it鈥檚 me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you鈥檙e looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you鈥檇 like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn鈥檛 look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you 鉂わ笍
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
馃惔: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you鈥檙e not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don鈥檛 bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit