Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
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[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
Pass gas, not judgment.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.