I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
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my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
Morning my dudes.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
Ovenable?
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.