Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
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For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Wasps: bees, but not helping
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.