GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
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Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack