Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
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Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
These 3D printers are insane!
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.