My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
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being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
Watson was Holmes schooled
Rooting for the overdog
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.