DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
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Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
#winning
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
You are not alone 💚
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.