If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
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I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
look at me when i’m typing to you
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.