Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
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BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November