I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
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Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*