something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
You Might Also Like
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!