in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
You Might Also Like
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Why are bridges so flammable.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.