– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
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There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml