DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
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I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
subtitles are so good nowadays
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.