Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
You Might Also Like
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?