Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
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I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that