Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
You Might Also Like
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?