Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
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Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
OMG 🤣🤣
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache