Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
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How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
Lmao
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
sigh
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.