*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
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The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.