Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
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You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*