as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
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Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.