Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
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seems like a niche market
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
wtf is an acronym
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha