Mornin
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Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.