[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
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*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.