Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
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Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
What the hell is going on?
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
Not😆🤣
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
the way this pissed me off… 😭
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.