My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
You Might Also Like
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
every single time
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE