Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
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I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Someone stole the C and L off my work besties door, which I guess was probably pretty predictable in hindsight…
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
“Unprecedented times” at this point would be if something nice happened like we all got a coupon for a free sandwich
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.