“Unprecedented times” at this point would be if something nice happened like we all got a coupon for a free sandwich
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sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.