There are 2 kinds of twitter.
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Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers