Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
You Might Also Like
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.