Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
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Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
water it, i dare you
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances