How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
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A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo