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“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm