6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
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ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
I’ve had relationships like this