“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
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[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.