I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
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this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me