Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
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deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.