I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
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there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.