Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
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2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.