Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
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[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
There are usually two types of merchants.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think