Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
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my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
that’s really how it is
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?