Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
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TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?