They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
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When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
it’s the silliest best thing
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school